ANNA NICOLE SHOW
CNN: Prosecutors presented this video as evidence that Howard K. Stern conspired to keep Anna Nicole Smith in a drug stupor. Stern’s lawyers say Smith was acting for the cameras.
HOWARD: What do you think Anna? Is Riley going to be your new makeup artist? Is Riley going to be your new makeup artist? Have you found a new makeup artist? Cuz your baby. Your other one of your babies. Your baby down there. That one. Say that again. Say it again. Let me get a shot of the baby. Let me just get a shot of the baby. No. Yeah. Put it there. Okay. You think this is a good time to announce the sex of your baby. Okay. Talk to me Riley. Riley talk to me. Talk to me. For the baby? How do you know it’s not a real baby? How do you know the stork didn’t bring it last night? [Anna,] how come your butt’s wet? Just turned off the music, although it might be too late. Whole tape being usable. You’ll have to see. The camera—Why you taking it off?
RILEY, AGE 7: We’re gonna use these first, bunny. You can open your eyes. Close ‘em. Now close ‘em. I wish you could go on the waterslides. But you’re pregnant. If you’re pregnancy, your heart’s bad, if you have a broken bone, or a back condition. I read the signs! Yep. You can’t. Your other—your baby down here. Why aren’t you pooting, then, or does it hurt? She does. The clown needs some medicine. No, I don’t have some. It’s your baby. It’s your baby. The clown doesn’t need gas medicine, she needs baaaby medicine. Baby. Baby. That’s your baby kicking you. Watch this. She isn’t real. Look. She’s having brain trouble. Brain trouble. It’s fake. Look. It’s a battery baby. Bad. She’s fake. Howard, can I talk to you for a sec? She has major brain trouble. Get the screwdriver. Yes, take one battery out to prove that that’s not a real baby. Howard! I’ll go to the nursery and look, okay? It’s okay. Why don’t you bring it up? Anna, she’s fake. Look! It’s what I’m hearing, huh. It’s fake. Camera, camera. Oh my lord. And now, I couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find it. Can I do it, Anna? I’m going to play along. I’ll go get it. I’ll go get it. I’ll go get it. Can this come off? She might get hot.
ANNA: Huh? I don’t know. Oh. You said open ‘em. With a wha—for a waterpark? I wanna go. Why not. My baby’s over there sleepin. I think I just have a little gas. I think I just I think I’m having some gas trouble. It hurts and I need some gas poot stuff so I can poot it out. Huh do you have some. I need some cuz look how big this belly’s getting cuz its gas. Nu uh. It’s gas. No it’s gas. And for sure—nu uh. Eh gu and you know how when you’re having gas and you feel it and its like owwww. No. My baby’s over there. Don’t open her skin. She might die. Can’t do that. Stop it. Hu huh. Yes. I’m your mama. Hehehe. I think she peed on me. Hold her head up! She’s crying; she needs her binkie! She needs her binkie. It’s cryin. Get a her binkie; it’s cryin. Hmm. My baby whore. I’m gonna go give her her binkie cuz she don’t know how to take care of a baby. Shhh. You’re not fake. Did you put powder in her diaper. Did you put powda. Powder right here. Right that squash. The powder is this in my—by my tub. Powder. She pee pee on herself. What? Hahaha. What? Hey say mama. Want your binkie. What. I love you! You love your mama? Get you some new clothes on. What. What. What. What you sayin. Huh. Ubegububu. Hold on. Hold on. I’m gonna put you something else to wear, okay? Okay? Hey what. Do you look cute? Hehehe.
MECHANICAL BABY: Mama. Mama. Waaah. Waaah. Waaah. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Waaah. Waaah. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Waaah. Waaah. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Waaah. Waaah. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Waaah. Waaah. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.
DISTANT MUSIC: “Angel Baby” by Rosie and the Originals
The second of two posts featuring Kate Durbin. “Anna Nicole Show” was first published in E Entertainment (Insert Press). The piece won an &Now Innovative Writing Award, and will be re-printed in the Diamond Edition of E! Entertainment, forthcoming from Insert/Blanc Press.
Kate Durbin is a Los Angeles-based writer and transmedia artist. She is author of The Ravenous Audience (Akashic Books), E! Entertainment (Blanc Press Diamond Edition, forthcoming), and the post-conceptual fashion magazine The Fashion Issue (Wonder, forthcoming). She has also written five chapbooks, including FASHIONWHORE (Legacy Pictures) and Kept Women (Insert Press, forthcoming). Her projects have been featured in Spex, Huffington Post, The New Yorker, Specs, Salon.com, AOL, Poets and Writers, TMobile's Your Digital Daily, Poets.org, VLAK, Lana Turner: A Journal of Poetry and Opinion, Black Warrior Review, Joyland, berfrois, SUPERMACHINE, Drunken Boat, NPR, Bookslut, 1913, LIT, Fanzine, and The American Scholar, among others. She is founding editor of Gaga Stigmata, an online arts and criticism journal about Lady Gaga, which will be published as a book from Zg Press in 2012.